Whether you’ve been married 6 years or 60 years, we are always learning and growing in our marriages. No matter what season of marriage you are in, there are some key things to remember to help you stay focused in your relationship and ensure it thrives through the years ahead. Christ set the example with His church and it serves as a model for earthly marriages. And we can exemplify that relationship in our marriages through humility, forgiveness, respect, and the love of Christ.

The first key to a thriving marriage is Christ, who is love. If a human being could change another human being, then Jesus would not have had to come. But He did come, and so – we are not able to change anyone. We don’t have the ability to save people. We don’t give them salvation. That gift comes from God. We also can’t change people’s hearts. That’s also God’s job.

Our job is to plant seeds and water those seeds. God brings the fruit. But many times we forget this and we take out our human tools and we try to “fix our husband”. We try to use all kinds of tools like angry words and manipulation to try and control our spouse. We need to stop using our human tools to “fix” because it’s not effective and we’re only getting in God’s way. We not only end up pushing our husband away from us, but we also push him away from God. God fixes – not us. Fixing is God’s job – not ours.

1John 4:7-21 tells us God is love. That is where we start. Our lack of love for God is revealed by the lack of active love that exists in our relationships. Verse 19 shows us we have the ability to love because He stepped toward us! Thank You, Lord! He gave us the capacity – the faith – to accept His offer. And verses 20-21 show us it is one thing to believe in God and His Word, and even serve in His church; but it’s an entirely different thing to allow every area of our life to be motivated and affected by our love for Him.

How loving are we? How close are we to God’s standard of what true, selfless love is all about? Today, for instance, how have you spoken to your spouse? How have you looked at your spouse? How have you thought about your spouse? What actions have you taken toward your spouse? When we compare how we actually live with what we say we believe, there is often a chasm between the two – as deep as it is wide.

1Cor. 13 shows us how God has called us to walk with each other. In that chapter, we are told how to interact with others. Take some time and read through that chapter and evaluate how you have been living, speaking, and acting. Insert your name, for example, in vv. 4-8 where you see the word, “love”, and see where you need to work on some things. Is it true about you? What about last week? What about last night?

The second key to a thriving marriage is humility – that gentle, quiet spirit. Humility means to have reverence, or to honor, or to defer to another. It’s taking the time and showing genuine care, considering or regarding another – such as your husband.

In 1Pet. 3:1-5, Peter gives instruction to women regarding godly living. We are told wives are to acquire a gentle, quiet spirit. In v. 1, Peter begins, “You Wives” – we are being addressed personally, and in v. 4 he is addressing our opposite tendency; the unnatural tendency we have. He tells us in v. 4 – “you should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle, and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.” We have to “acquire” this – we don’t have this all the time; it is not in us to be this way 24/7. We must put it on every day – no woman naturally has this quality in perfection. Not even the “quiet” ones! “Quiet” does not always involve words. A wife can still show contempt without speaking words. The Bible tells us that we can win over our husband without words. Instead of attacking with our words, we need to be a tool of restoration – not condemnation.

Sometimes when we are so full of pride and quick to scrutinize our husband, we fail to humble ourselves. We may be tempted to get upset at our husbands for not listening to how we feel, but are we listening when our husband shares his feelings with us?

Or do we sit stone-faced and stoic, disengaged, or rushed “yeh, yeh” – trying to listen while doing the dishes or watching tv or scrolling Facebook on our phone? Are we doing all the talking or are we asking him how he feels and listening when he shares his frustrations with us about our behavior?

Many times, it is our pride that gets in the way and prevents us from being humble. We are so quick to compare – whether with other women or our spouse. But what we fail to understand is that our differences make us stronger. Maybe he’s quiet and likes to stay out of the crowd, whereas you are more sociable and like to talk. Or maybe he’s the talker and you like to remain silent and wish others would too. Where one of us is lacking, the other one compliments, and we are like a beautiful and complete combination. We are told in Genesis 2:24 regarding marriage, “the two shall become one.” Instead of allowing your differences to divide you, give thanks that you each have something that the other needs and can learn from.

Reach out to your husband and let him know that you notice the good things he does. Be grateful for the small steps such as saying grace around the table, helping with the kids, picking up around the house, keeping the yard mowed, and working hard at his job. Keep in mind that when a person is down, they are often down on themselves most of all. Make a point to bring attention to the good you see in your spouse that he might not see or realize.

Don’t underestimate the power of your own testimony. You can have a tremendous impact on your husband by quietly shining the love of Christ in your home. A soft smile, a gentle word, and a song in your heart can have a stronger influence than you think.

The third key to a thriving marriage is forgiveness, just as Christ forgave you – (Newsflash: you’re not perfect.)

Colossians 3:13-14 tell us:

“bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.”

Those words there toward the end of that verse can poke you right in the heart – “just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you (forgive others). Oh goodness, we are not above the Lord. If He forgave us and forgives even today, then why would we think we can be any different?

Ephesians 4:32 tells us:

“Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

Ephesians 5:1 says:

“Be imitators of God, therefore, as beloved children, and walk in love.”

God tells us in His Word to forgive because He forgives and He wants us to imitate Him. It’s not something we do in our own strength. We have to make the decision to forgive, but God helps us with this.

And when we forgive, we don’t bring it up over and over and over again. Sometimes that is not an easy task. It’s hard because we have a hard time trusting after an offense has been made. We keep a little stash of doubt in our minds and we visit it often. And when we do that, forgiveness is stunted. We have to make a choice to forgive. We have to choose to move forward.

Of all the wisdom I could share regarding marriage and relationships in general, I would encourage you to keep the lines of communication open. If you are hurt, take it to the Lord, recover, and then re-engage with your family quickly. Every second you are in the mode of “I’m not talking to you”, Satan is hard at work creating bitterness in your heart and theirs. I would also encourage you to get rid of the mental lists you have created against your husband. It is not healthy or encouraging to dwell on all the ways he has fallen short or offended you.

The fourth key to a thriving marriage is respect, as commanded in Ephesians 5:22:

“Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”

So of course, you respect your husband, right? Because that’s the right answer to that question, right? Sorry for the sarcasm, but what’s the reality of it? How does your husband feel, in his heart, when he thinks about how you interact with him?

Respecting your husband isn’t just a “good” thing – it’s required. It’s a baseline for a strong, healthy marriage. Of course, a man being respected isn’t the only important thing in marriage. But it is an important thing. A husband needs to know that his wife, in her heart, honors him with her respect. He needs to know it, he needs to feel it, and he needs to hear it in her words, her tone, and see it in her eyes.

It is important for us to recognize the subtle difference between manipulation and influence. We should help our husband make good decisions, but we shouldn’t stack the deck unfairly. Manipulation is so deceptive.

Also, we don’t have to be the one who decides all the time. We need to practice humility and step back so our husband can step up. We may need to let go so he can take charge.

John 17:20-23, “I do not ask on behalf of these alone, but for those also who believe in Me through their word; that they may all be one; even as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they also may be in Us, so that the world may [continually] believe that You sent Me. The glory which You have given Me I have given to them, that they may be one, just as We are one; I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected [in one] in unity,”

Jesus was asking God to give his people a special blessing of oneness, getting along, working together, communicating, resolving differences, acting as one unit and so on. This can also be applied to marriage. Through our oneness, we are powerful. We can act as a team, we can accomplish more, share more, do more, reach more and be all God has called us to be.

Jesus wants us to be “one”, having unity (of the brethren/body of Christ). The enemy wants to divide and conquer. Division among us inhibits our ability to be who God called us to be. Satan’s primary mission is to divide us – and it directly opposes Jesus’ prayer in John 17.

If you are currently struggling in your marriage, call out to God on your husband’s behalf. This is not an ordinary “pray for him”. This is about true supplication: a crying out to God to work in his life. Pray for God to minister, convict, or encourage him – depending on the need. Intercede for your marriage through fasting and prayer.